They're ba-ack!  As I write this, I hear the telltale scritch-scratching of our resident furry roommates--the squirrels in our attic.  I used to think squirrels were cute.  Now I know better.  Now I know that they are in fact destructive, smelly, brazen, noisy, disease-carrying vermin.

We first discovered we had squirrels a year ago, when a nest of babies fell through the ceiling insulation of our unfinished laundry room (it's been unfinished for four years, but that's another rant for another day).  Ely, who has a soft spot for animals that I don't share, managed to get them back to their mother.  We didn't do anything about them right away because how could we disrupt the poor little new family?  Plus we didn't realize then what we were in for.  We figured they would just....leave.

Little did we know the entire squirrel population of South Jersey would be moving in.  I've since found out that squirrels release a scent that acts as a beacon to other squirrels in their extended family, which essentially says, Hey, come check out our great new condo!  Stay as long as you like! Mi casa es su casa!

Before long the scratching and chewing and scampering--not to mention the unholy sound they make when they're screwing--was keeping us all up nights, especially poor Zachary, whose room is directly under their favorite hangout.  He took to sitting at the top of the attic stairs with his paintball gun in his lap. 

A few forays onto the internet confirmed what I already suspected:  we were at war.  Squirrels are damn near impossible to get rid of.  We naively thought what most people think at first, which is that we would simply wait until they left the attic during the day to get food, and then board up their access holes.  Ha!  They chewed a 2 X 4 to sawdust in less than a half hour.  Chicken wire?  They yanked it out of the way and chewed another hole behind it.  Our old wood house is a joke to them--they laugh at our folly.

The guy at Home Depot told Ely to get a fake owl and mount it on the roof.  They made it their mascot, invited it in for their parties.  We called an exterminator friend of ours.  He said, "Oh man, squirrels?  That's tough luck.  I don't handle them anymore, too much of a pain to get rid of.  But you can borrow my traps."

We found a guy online with a website who says the only foolproof method is to "catch and splash".  Meaning trap 'em, then drown 'em (which is totally legal in NJ by the way).  Otherwise they come back.  Even if you drive them a mile away and dump them in the woods, they come back.  As much as I despise the nasty little rodents, I didn't have the stomach for that, and God knows Ely would never harm a poor innocent wittle squirrel! (Ely, who once spoon-fed an injured woodpecker canned dog food for two weeks).  Zachary enthusiastically volunteered to be the executioner, and though I was sorely tempted, in the end I couldn't let my baby son do my murdering for me.

So Ely called around and found some wildlife expert who agreed to take them.  We set up one of the cages in our attic with a peanut butter cracker and had our first squirrel in less than ten minutes.  Since it was at night and we couldn't drive it away until the next day, we put a blanket over the cage and set him in the laundry room.  It stunk up the whole house!  You never realize how much a squirrel reeks until you share close quarters with one.  By the next morning we had another one and Ely drove them both to the wildlife lady.  And then the next day, two more.  And then two more. And then another one, until the wildlife lady said, "Hold it!  Now you're just bringing me every squirrel in your neighborhood!"  Well, yeah--they're all living in our house.

But then it actually seemed like we had gotten them all.  We didn't hear any scampering or scratching for a few weeks.  But now they're back, or, more likely, we have new ones.  I read that once your house has been marked, you will have squirrel problems for the rest of your natural life or until you move, whichever comes first. 

And now we're also having problems with the heater, which is up in the attic with the squirrels.  How much do you want to bet those little bastards are chewing through the wires or ductwork or something?